You said move on, where do I go?
♥ Monday, July 29, 2013
1:54 AM
Everyone was wondering, where is person, what is she doing,
Why did she dispose herself?
I'm in Nilai, last year was a nightmare, bad nightmare.
I wished to leave that scary place and move to another little tiny town which everyone cannot see me and hear from me.
I just wanted to get alone for peace, safe and sound.
From all the gossips, heartbroken, bad life.
In this town, isn't peace, isn't safe.
People I met, decisions chosen, life goes on.
It is a brand new life, new people, new lifestyle, new...
Started to get afraid with the people out there, the huge society.
Imagine that talkative, socialize and always comes out with bad idea girl,
Now is afraid of meeting friends and can't social.
Is this a place to go on, is it bad or is it good, who knows.
Because of one thing, decision.
That moment to decide, I never knew... Today is.. Happening.
I thought it will be happy and in love.
He ever said, the past was horrible, lets move on.
The day he said he's quitting and I will have a better life.
Now, I could prove him wrong. Everything went so wrong.
If this decision did not make, today would be a better day.
What's the reason to feel so wrong, a deep grievance.
I could have just take a step and walk away, whats the reason being so tired.
Been thru all the heartbroken and went deep down in life,
I learnt to appreciation the best for me.
No one's perfect, when you see the best of yourself and whats the best for yourself,
This has beyond perfections.
I come back over and over again, I didn't want to lose anything.
But can I still stand any longer with such situation ?
Or just don't take this too serious.
Let it go. Be generous?
You said move on, where SHOULD I go ?
The lil thing
♥ Sunday, December 30, 2012
8:16 PM
When there's a lil thing mess up your life.
Just someone doesn't matter slowly turn to someone who change your whole life.
Sometimes,
Life is all about the moment, the moment of impact that change your whole life.
But what if someday, you and him, will be stranger, maybe for the rest of life ?
Stranger ? I mean.. Stranger with some memories.
And today is the last second day of the year.
Time flies. Its been a year.
And the end of 2012, we end up like strangers.
I still wonder, have I ever across your mind ?
Have our memories ever make you miss me ?
Or miss us?
For the rest 3 months, everything changes.
Use to have my life, everything goes accordingly.
Use to be good and happy, and enjoyed those awaits moment.
But those months, I was out of my mind.
My soul wasn't with me for all the time.
Smoke, drink, night out everyday.
All I wanted to do was forget you, this.. asshole.
Just to get back to my life and act like it doesn't bother me at all.
I hang out with guys, try to get into someone better than you.
But feelings get so numb, and couldn't find anyone better than you.
AND couldn't fall for anyone as well.
I was once think that all the waiting is regret.
I should have get a life, I go to clubs, drink, smoke, enjoy.
But all in a sudden, I felt something inside. That's terrible.
Something miserable.
When looking at guys hugging girls, all in their mindset was just flirting.
Who the hell will still fall for kinda girls, drinking, smoking, clubbing.
Felt so bad bout myself. Really.
Since when I make myself a whore?
This asshole just changed my life so much.
Yet, I still miss him a lot.
Still, when I think bout us, a little pain inside.
Felt sorry for the guys around me.
I was just trying so hard to find something to replace him.
Eventually, theres no one can ever replace him.
Someone like him, no more.
Honestly, Im still waiting for the miracle could ever happen.
I believe in fate. It will lead us to the right way and go back to how we used to be.
He's just the right one.
How could I forget someone like him, thou.
What hurts the most
♥ Sunday, October 14, 2012
11:56 PM
It's raining week again.
I remember the week you left, the whole week was raining.
Just like how I felt, my emotional and feelings just got affected.
And this week, it rained again.
Honestly, I actually let it go and you know..
Day by day, my mind slowly fill up with different things and slowly get into different life.
My life still move on.
But sometimes, when I pass by some places, heard some words, listen to some songs,
You are just automatically appear in my mind.
I remember lots of things bout us.
Even the days we been so close, we were just in a long distance relationship.
But I remember the things we said, promises made, look at you at the screen, felt so warm.
I remember we been so close,
I remember the way you left me and said nothing like we never met before.
What hurts the most ?
You left me.
I did not dream about you for quite few weeks already.
But just now, I dreamt bout you again !
It's just because I think bout you too often.
I remember your smile, I remember you talked to me, I remember you liked to tease me,
I remember. I do remember.
We felt each other.
But I never remember you hurt me.
In my memories, you never make me cry.
Every scenes I thought of you, I smile.
But now, every scenes I thought of you, thought of us,
Tears just drop.
Heart is just too pain to remember you left and said nothing.
Imagine how hard is this I'm gonna get up and forget bout us.
I really miss you.
Pain to death.
♥ Saturday, October 13, 2012
3:05 AM
Just turned 19.
Another 365 days to 20 ! And then, my teen is officially over.
Those days being teenage was the best ever in life.
You dream big, you live young, move, dance, jump and run.
Felt safe, studies were the best. Well, you won't know that until you lose it.
I miss studying in damn high school, studying damn useless stuff.
I proposed to parents to have further studies.
Know what dad just said ?
He said even he has that ability to let me go for it, he won't let me go.
I just said I can't continue my studies here, its too little time of lectures, and its night time classes. Its so unusual for me. I just hope to get a normal schooling.
He just compared me and my brother, why did my brother can do it, I can't. Because I'm weak, I'm a spoil, day dream of going for further studies, spent so much time on enjoying and playing. Lastly, he just said what he wanted to say so long. Spending his money, and he so not worth it spending on me.
Well. Dad. I know because you're so mad and you said that.
But I understand that's what you wanted to say for so long.
You were just bearing my attitude and personality of being a spoil.
I dint know that you would mind of that. Seriously.
And sincerely, from the bottom of your heart.
You really wanted me to go out to work, get a job, earn money, face the society in this age.
Well, I'll do it. I did not want to do it because once I work, I would spend so less time with family.
But you just forced me to do so.
Now, I got no more fucking dreams and all. You just spoilt it.
Sigh. You just never expect the best of me and for me.
I am who I am today, its totally because of myself.
Achievement, leadership, and fames. I did that all by my own.
In the future, it will be the same.
Know why I was once success in sports ? Cause everyone fucking underestimate me and look down on me. That's how I motivated me. I won't fucking lose.
I wanted to prove to everyone that I can. So do now. This situation.
But after high school, life out there is another fresh beginning.
Those glory days were forgotten, and I'm new here.
Everyone will forget who you were, and lose respect from others, lose everything.
I made a real mistake, wrong decision.
Decided to stay in kk. I thought staying here would be how I expected. I got what I expected to have it.
I stayed because of family needs, cause of a person I loved, cause of friends need.
But now I realize, when you got nothing, people abandon you, family put the blame on you,
your love one dumped you.
And no one willing to help you because of a mistake you made.
Seriously, the world is cruel.
I've learnt, never ever put effort on someone else who doesn't matter.
You have to be responsible for the decision you made.
You make decision depends on yourself, your own ability. Not depends on your family, friends, loves, things around you. Cause no one gonna be responsible for the decision you've made.
I cried badly 2 days ago.
I was driving alone, and went to a church.
And I felt that, Jesus said that let it go.
Let go of the desire, this is my destiny, stop fighting, don't hurt myself.
I know this is my destiny, stop fighting with fate, God.
Strangers, again.
♥ Saturday, September 29, 2012
3:01 AM
I told my friend. 24/9 was the saddest day in my life.
Don't need to think or do anything.
Sitting down there alone, looking at the blank computer screen,
My tears would drop automatically.
What we said we gonna do, we've done nothing.
Where the places we said we gonna go, we've gone nowhere.
We made everything possible just to get a chance to meet up and spend time together.
We said that for 7 months, and I've waited for 7 months.
Those awaiting moments were the best of the best in my life.
I had never felt this way before. I would spend my life to wait for somebody else.
I felt so lively.
There's no way to deny, those few months were the sweetest, happiest moment ever in my life.
Because we got to keep it up. Even there's millions miles between us.
Well, at the end we did not get to be together.
But I would admit this, spending time with you in Skype and chatting was the best moments ever in my entire life.
We talked bout each other, shared our lives, accompany each other when we felt lonely.
We had each other, we felt each other.
I trust my feelings, I believe those feelings were real.
Last night I read our conversation from the beginning.
Know what ? I've deleted our chats since the first text.
Our beginning was your 18th birthday. Sent you a greeting.
And that's where fireworks burnt.
We kept this up for 6 months. Slowly I got use to it to have you around.
Used to receive your funny, mad, happy, sad, angry, annoying, stupid texts.
When I was in USA, both of us was so lonely ! Omg.
And then, we Skype everyday.
I enjoyed talking craps to you while you were doing assignments.
I enjoyed you scolded at me like I'm a retarded.
I enjoyed looking at you when you were talking on the phone.
I enjoyed those days we spent together.
Unfortunately, day by day, people fell apart, feelings faded away.
You told them you got no feelings towards me, at all. At all.
But you forgot to tell them we were happy, and my heart is broken, my scars are open.
I had these few weeks struggling, I was out of my mind.
I heard my heart was broken into pieces.
But after all, I get back my life, my mind, my heart.
I asked myself why do I need to be so stubborn and emotional.
And now, I had let go and open minded.
I made our memories a book.
A book that only my mind can think, my heart can feel.
Those few months were happy, and we had only one month being so awkward and brought the worst out of each other.
I just have to think bout those happy days instead of what you've said that hurt me.
So that doesn't spoil the beautiful memories between me and you.
People might think why am I so stupid. Know why ?
Because I appreciate this person, how we brought out much fun, happiness for me, and the feelings towards this person is unique, special and comfortable.
In the future, I might marry the other guy, I might have lots of boyfriends, or I might be forever alone.
But I trust that, I would never ever gonna have this feelings anymore.
4 years ago, he liked me, I dint like him. We did not talk after that.
4 years later, we felt each other, but at the end he got no feelings at all.
And now, we don't talk anymore. God, can you tell me when will be the next time ?
Being with this man, I found out what is love.
You would change everything, become the person you said you never be.
Love is blind, you would be a dumbass even he hurt you physically or mentally.
Still, thanks for making me a beautiful memories to remember.
But now.....
Strangers, again.
Say hello to goodbye, its gone forever.
No more try, you and I.
Life is short
♥ Friday, September 7, 2012
8:03 PM
Anyone remember who is Lai Yee Shen ?
He used to be the star in Tshung Tsin.
When I was a little girl in high school, I was kinda admire him.
He was very very good in basketball and also running.
He was my idol, he could be very good in some situation.
Well, today I received a message from a friend and said that he had just past away.
Cause of leukemia. He fought for his life for 2 years.
That's so short. God dint even give a chance to let him get recover.
That's unfair. But what, that's life.
Life is unexpected, life is short, and you only live once.
Don't leave anything undone and unsaid.
Live no regrets.
And then, lesson learn.
In the past few weeks, I have got crazy over someone.
I couldn't control my emotional and feelings.
After meeting him, I have a very strong feelings toward him.
I was so stress that how did he think bout me,
My mind couldn't even stop thinking bout him,
No matter what I was doing, his face, motions, emotions, voices, memories and scene will keep on appearing in my mind.
I was so so so afraid of losing him in my life.
I started become another person.
I used to be a 'easy come easy go' person, I don't give a fuck on how you treated me,
I don't care how do you think bout me, I just be myself, the tough and rough lady.
But him, he just simply turned me into an asshole.
I became a fool, got no confidence, trusting there's fairy tale pinky swear in the earth,
I kept on chasing his steps, do whatever he did, be the one he likes,
Eat whatever he eats, hang out with his friends, just trying to take part of his life.
But slowly, I realize he won't give a fuck on how much I've invested and done.
I don't expect to get any payback.
But he dint even care bout what I've done.
You know, I tried my best to held this relationship tight, but you dint give a damn.
When someday you realize I've gone, please remember you're the one gave up on me, on us.
And now, I'll be back in time.
The hard and tough one.
I realize nobody gonna love you, if you don't love yourself.
We got lots of memories, and I will keep it.
We were happy.
♥ Sunday, August 19, 2012
1:27 AM
If only he's reading my blog, understand what am I thinking bout him.
It's been awhile we did not talk and meet up.
Even through webcam or phone call or face-to-face.
I remember the last time I saw you was you just got a haircut.
And now, your hair is long. Haha. It's been awhile.
I remember those days we were happy.
We had a date. We said we gotta wait for each other.
But I'd gave up the chance for further studies,
For crashing the right time.
Just not to break our promise.
So that I can spend more time with you.
That day was our first met for the past 8 months.
It should be the best day ever and excited.
But it turned out bad, sad and disappointing.
I know you had tried your best make me feel safe.
But once you're back, you heard a lot of my stuff.
Bad stuff.
You felt bad and disappointing, perhaps ?
I am very sorry for making you disappointed and made you feel so not special.
Babe, I got to tell you, there's no one can ever replace you ok.
Sorry for my complicated life had made you feel so bad.
My life has built. I have lots of close guy friends. I hang out with them often.
I did not try to ignore those gossips and rumors.
I am sorry. I will explain if I have a chance to.
You don't even know very special you are.
I am very sorry I had made a mess. I should have take it.
We were happy, remember ?
It's very hard to let you go or forget the past.
You are one huge part of my life, it's very hard to fall into someone after meeting you.
We did not been through too much,
At least we were once happy.
But if we did not get chance together,
I'm still glad that you were once the reason of why I was happy.
I miss you, I miss us.
Unacceptable presents
♥ Saturday, August 11, 2012
1:55 AM
In everyone's sight, I'm a lucky girl.
My parents give me the best. A trip to USA, everything I wanted.
Well, I rather use all of the things I had to exchange a overseas high education.
Currently, I am studying in Open University for this Executive Diploma in Real estate agency.
Part time course, night time classes, 3 days a week.
When I was 17 or 18, I wish I could study in a huge compound university in somewhere western.
But in some financial problem, I've changed my mind.
Even in Kuala Lumpur, or somewhere Asia, I am just okay with it.
I just simply wish I can study in a real University, which is mean can meet lot of friends and have different kind of activities.
I understand that University is not a place for party rock or having fun.
But isn't it a place for experiencing ? Experience different kind of stuff.
As I am who I am, I like to explore myself and being active in what I am doing.
This is what a student should do and experience, isn't it ?
My brother has this really good chance doing it in USA.
Even there was a really tough times in the past 4 years.
But who doesn't ?
Even it was tough, but it worths. I believe.
Because after all, what he got was unique knowledge, experiences and thoughts.
Who doesn't want to be smart and special in what we are doing ?
It was my dream to enjoy my Uni life. Well, who doesn't has this dream.
My parents gave everything to my brother but not me.
This remind me a passage I 've learnt in senior 3 chinese class.
Parents really do love and care for their children is to think for their further future,
Instead of their one-year-plan or even nearer.
My parents have this 10-years-plan for my brother.
But I don't even have a plan. Even a year plan.
I wanted to plan it myself, but I do not have ability to do it myself.
The only choice I have is to stay in the homeland for the rest of my life.
My present is having classes with bunch of adults, uncles or aunties.
My present is staying in KK with no further future.
My present is being driver of my grandmothers.
My present is listening to others' orders.
My present is nothing, no life and to suffer in grievances of doing what I don't like.
My present is to listen and obey what others' say.
Parents dont understand cause they don't feel it by their heart, like... Sincerely.
What suffer in my heart they should have known.
But they don't.
I am not blaming, I am just heartbreaking.
Cause been through 19 years, they are still don't understand,
This is not I want.
A girl with a sorrow heart.
♥ Wednesday, August 8, 2012
2:00 AM
We have left no choice always.
Months by months, all of us actually have seen the clearest part.
Separated was all we wanted, wasn't it ?
Cause we have given each other no choice.
We broke through the hardest part and the tough times.
Eventually, we lost to benefits and gold.
Whatever had happened was real, things were so real,
Friendship was so real, heart-to-heart was so real,
Apologies were so real, even we had the happiest time.
Those were so real.
But things change, it doesn't mean those are fake and benefits for now.
Things change, people change, friendship change.
There's no way to go back and say sorry.
Of course, we say hi when meeting each other in the street.
Girl, you should have learn how to forgive and let it go.
Don't make everything goes tough and negative.
We are still friends, always.
We have already let go, so do you.
But however, you owe me, us an apology.
Yes, working hard for achieving your goal got no wrong.
But the way you do, you should have you did offended everyone of us.
Don't explain for your mistake, even you did it purposely.
As long as you apologize, we accept. Alright ?
Like I said, there's no way to go back like we used to be.
But how you have treated your friends was way too wrong.
Everyone in this earth ain't like the way you are.
We do talk bout feelings and sincerity.
You should let go your attitude of thinking that everyone is talking bout benefits.
Perhaps, we are way too childish and naive.
But why don't you think it's your own problem of not trusting anyone.
Or maybe, we all have different thinking. ain't
Your maturity is way too weird which we can't reach.
In this world, we have friends, family and love instead of money.
Don't you afraid, there'll be a day when you are too poor till you have only left 10 billion dollars?
This is not karma, it's a circulation.
Cause you have sacrifice your friends and family by achieving your goal for being success.
And when the day you are success, you will realize, by the time you get, you lose something or someone you love.
And that time, money can't even satisfy you.
I forgive you the way you treating our friendship like hotel. Easy come easy go.
And also you forced me to walk on your pathway to achieve goals. A wrong pathway.
We were friends, best friends.
But we lose to benefits.
You are just somebody that I used to know.
Unpredictable
♥ Tuesday, August 7, 2012
1:06 AM
Have you ever wonder what was the last thing you said it's impossible ?
And did they happen after all ?
Have you change your mind or regret of what you have said ?
We always turn to someone we would never imagine.
You said you will never love this person, but what had just happened?
Did love change us or we change for love ?
Look back, how much you have change for love ?
Those days, when I was young.
I wish I have a super good looking prince, rich coming with a white horse boyfriend.
And I have chosen the one with these conditions.
Look back, how childish, naive was me ?
Ain't those days were the best period in life ?
What's the reason being frustrating and annoying for this unrequited love ?
Can't we just make love simple, instead of so damn complicated ?
Been through these 7 months, both of us can never hide the feelings behind,
I can feel it, so do you man !
Even I believe all of this was real.
How bout this.
Let us let go the past, those bad memories, those argument and pride.
Work it out together, make this possible.
I have waited for these 7 months, do I still make you feel unreal ?
We did promise each other, wait for each other, everything will be clear until the day we meet.
Ain't ?
Seriously man, I have never done this before.
Waited for this unpredictable future for more than half year.
I have gave it all, got nothing to afraid of.
I have done my best to make you as my priority.
How bout you ?
Do you feel like wiping my tears and give me a tight hug ?
For me, the best part is falling. Call it anything but love.
So how long can we keep this up ?
How long till we call its love ?
