What hurts the most
♥ Sunday, October 14, 2012
11:56 PM
It's raining week again.
I remember the week you left, the whole week was raining.
Just like how I felt, my emotional and feelings just got affected.
And this week, it rained again.
Honestly, I actually let it go and you know..
Day by day, my mind slowly fill up with different things and slowly get into different life.
My life still move on.
But sometimes, when I pass by some places, heard some words, listen to some songs,
You are just automatically appear in my mind.
I remember lots of things bout us.
Even the days we been so close, we were just in a long distance relationship.
But I remember the things we said, promises made, look at you at the screen, felt so warm.
I remember we been so close,
I remember the way you left me and said nothing like we never met before.
What hurts the most ?
You left me.
I did not dream about you for quite few weeks already.
But just now, I dreamt bout you again !
It's just because I think bout you too often.
I remember your smile, I remember you talked to me, I remember you liked to tease me,
I remember. I do remember.
We felt each other.
But I never remember you hurt me.
In my memories, you never make me cry.
Every scenes I thought of you, I smile.
But now, every scenes I thought of you, thought of us,
Tears just drop.
Heart is just too pain to remember you left and said nothing.
Imagine how hard is this I'm gonna get up and forget bout us.
I really miss you.
Pain to death.
♥ Saturday, October 13, 2012
3:05 AM
Just turned 19.
Another 365 days to 20 ! And then, my teen is officially over.
Those days being teenage was the best ever in life.
You dream big, you live young, move, dance, jump and run.
Felt safe, studies were the best. Well, you won't know that until you lose it.
I miss studying in damn high school, studying damn useless stuff.
I proposed to parents to have further studies.
Know what dad just said ?
He said even he has that ability to let me go for it, he won't let me go.
I just said I can't continue my studies here, its too little time of lectures, and its night time classes. Its so unusual for me. I just hope to get a normal schooling.
He just compared me and my brother, why did my brother can do it, I can't. Because I'm weak, I'm a spoil, day dream of going for further studies, spent so much time on enjoying and playing. Lastly, he just said what he wanted to say so long. Spending his money, and he so not worth it spending on me.
Well. Dad. I know because you're so mad and you said that.
But I understand that's what you wanted to say for so long.
You were just bearing my attitude and personality of being a spoil.
I dint know that you would mind of that. Seriously.
And sincerely, from the bottom of your heart.
You really wanted me to go out to work, get a job, earn money, face the society in this age.
Well, I'll do it. I did not want to do it because once I work, I would spend so less time with family.
But you just forced me to do so.
Now, I got no more fucking dreams and all. You just spoilt it.
Sigh. You just never expect the best of me and for me.
I am who I am today, its totally because of myself.
Achievement, leadership, and fames. I did that all by my own.
In the future, it will be the same.
Know why I was once success in sports ? Cause everyone fucking underestimate me and look down on me. That's how I motivated me. I won't fucking lose.
I wanted to prove to everyone that I can. So do now. This situation.
But after high school, life out there is another fresh beginning.
Those glory days were forgotten, and I'm new here.
Everyone will forget who you were, and lose respect from others, lose everything.
I made a real mistake, wrong decision.
Decided to stay in kk. I thought staying here would be how I expected. I got what I expected to have it.
I stayed because of family needs, cause of a person I loved, cause of friends need.
But now I realize, when you got nothing, people abandon you, family put the blame on you,
your love one dumped you.
And no one willing to help you because of a mistake you made.
Seriously, the world is cruel.
I've learnt, never ever put effort on someone else who doesn't matter.
You have to be responsible for the decision you made.
You make decision depends on yourself, your own ability. Not depends on your family, friends, loves, things around you. Cause no one gonna be responsible for the decision you've made.
I cried badly 2 days ago.
I was driving alone, and went to a church.
And I felt that, Jesus said that let it go.
Let go of the desire, this is my destiny, stop fighting, don't hurt myself.
I know this is my destiny, stop fighting with fate, God.
