I wish there's someone could tell me

' Stop pretending, let the tears drop when you dont feel like smiling. '

Everything has past for like.... Half year.
But why am I still cant even let go any single thing ?
Dear, it took so long just to feel alright.
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed.
There's something always secret deep in someone heart.
In the deepest space in their hearts.
And there's something that always they dont have the couragement to admit of what they have done in the past.
So am I.
I just keep on denying that I loved you, I kissed you, You were important for me,
I couldn't live without you.
I dont have the couragement to admit that those memories were so happy,
and I dont have the couragement to admit that I have not let you go.
I wish I had missed the chance to meet you, to love you, to kiss you.
Cause this love, lead me to the wrong path of my life.
Its wrong to love you. So I gave up our love.
I thought I could be free spirit, let go everything with a word ' Give up '.
But actually I cant. I cannot let go everything.
Sigh.
And then, my life goes back to the past everyday.
Every effort, reward, proudness, progress and happiness in Red House.
I just couldnt forget at ALL !
Cause while I think what mistakes I have done wrong, it takes a whole night to let me wonder why I have did this kind of mistake ?
I am agressive, I couldnt allow any failure appear after I have put all my effort on it.
This stress me out !!! Freaking depress !
I am depress that my life goes like that !
Why did I love you?
Why did I make stupid mistakes ?
I just couldnt forgive myself in a failure !
But in my life, who really understand myself ?
I dont even understand myself. What do I want ?
After all, those stress haunt me forever.
Is this what I really want for so long ?